Waiting for JP

Dear JP,

Today my heart is a bit heavy.

You are quite the booger.

For the past two/three weeks, you have been tricking me into thinking I am in labor.  I have been back and forth to the doctor so many times that the front desk staff knows me and my birth date by heart, and I have joked with the doctors that I am just going to set up a cot in the back until you decide to really show up.

We have been to the hospital twice - once for an infection, and another for false labor that they had to give me meds to stop because you were about a week undercooked, and they wanted you to stay longer.

I wake up with contractions, I go to sleep with contractions.  When I move, I have contractions.  When I lay still, I have contractions.  Sometimes a few times a day, sometimes less than 5 minutes apart for four or five hours.  The last time we were in the hospital, they got as close as 1 minute apart.

That really freaked out the nurses.

But through it all, my body is not responding to the contractions.  I've been walking around these past few weeks dilated in between 1 and 2 cms, with no real changes.

So today at my doctor's appointment, we set your eviction notice.  If you have not made your appearance by my appointment next Tuesday, we will more than likely induce on Wednesday.  My doctor seems to think that my body may never respond the way we want it to, and I may not go into labor very easily, despite the weeks of false labor.

My body is tired.  I am tired.  I am not sleeping, I am not resting comfortably, and I am not taking well to the "You haven't had this baby yet?" questions from everyone I see.

So why am I sad?  We have a tentative birthday!  A means to the end!  I should be excited!

I am.  I am very excited to meet you and finally hold your little body and see exactly who you are.

But I kind of wanted that rush in the middle of the night, my water broke, are we going to make it to the hospital, movie scene feeling.  I didn't get it with your sister, and it looks like I may not get it with you.  

And we are not having any more babies after you...

So I'm a bit in mourning.  It's not exactly what I pictured.

Every day I have woken up with such anticipation, and such frustration, wondering if today would be the day. Timing contractions for hours on end, and going to the doctor only to find out that these contractions weren't accomplishing much. 

At least they confirm I'm not crazy. 

Now just because we have set a date doesn't mean if you want to come earlier than Tuesday, you can't.  You are more than welcome to. In fact, I'd prefer it. Our bags have been packed and are waiting. Your room is all ready for you. Your grandparents are checking their phones for a phone call. And Your Daddy is working his long week, and would love not to go in this weekend.   :)

But if you want to hang on a bit longer, I guess I'm ok with that too. 

But if you're a bit scared, just remember this: 
Your Mommy is so beyond ready to meet you. To hold your tiny body close to her chest. To count your fingers and toes. To watch all your wriggly and writhy newborn movements. To look deep into your eyes and tell you just how much she loves you and how we think God has big plans for you. To see Your Daddy hold you for the first time and beam with pride over a son - a different emotion than when he held his daughter. To see Big Sister discover that there really was a baby in Mommy's tummy and the look of amazement as she studies you. To feel those empty parts of me fill up that I really didn't know I had. 

So come on, JP. We are ready to meet you!