Green Eyed Toddler

Oh, Brooke Allen.  How my heart aches for you.  

This transition has been so hard on you.

First things first, you love your little brother...most days.  The days that you care to acknowledge that he exists.  You give him kisses on the forehead, ask for him, and say prayers for him at bedtime.  When he's crying, you bring him blankets and burp cloths and toys (a carrot from your play kitchen) to make him happy.  Sometimes you run over and help hold his bottle while I'm feeding him, and you like to relay to me what he's doing in his car seat.  You are convinced that he cries because he's not able to eat Pop Tarts.

But then, you will ever so slightly get too close to him when he's laying on the floor doing tummy time.  Or your little foot will slide closer and closer to his head while you are sitting next to him on the couch.  Or you pat him just a little too hard.

I have to watch you like a hawk.  Your jealousy has flared up big time.

I can't blame you.  Your whole life, you have been the object of everyone's affection.  Everyone has fawned over you and played with you and held you and danced with you and catered to you...and only you.

But now, there is another little person taking up that extra space in Mommy's lap, who GiGi and Daddy want to hold, and who is the reason that we can't hop up and get you exactly what you want when you want it.

After a particularly trying weekend at the beach two weeks after JP was born, you refused to have anything to do with me.  No hugs, no kisses, no answering my questions.  You went bananas any time GiGi or Daddy so much as looked at JP.  Out of frustration and sadness (and hormones), I began to cry to GiGi.  GiGi took you in the other room to talk to you.  She got you to start to open up about the way you were feeling, and I came in there with you.  GiGi left us alone, and we talked and cuddled for a long time.

I asked you, "Why are you so mad at Mommy?"  You answered, "Because I want Da-Da and JP is in the way."

AHA!  And this was MY fault.  Of course it was!  I was the one who brought JP into your little world and turned everything upside down.  I was the one who made Daddy and GiGi hold this little alien instead of you.  I was the one who was focused on bottles and burping and sleeping, instead of focusing 100% on you like I always had.

So I held you close and whispered in your ear about how I will always love you big.  You will always be my Special Girl - something that JP would never be because he is a boy!  And just because I have to take care of JP so much doesn't mean that I love you any less. 

And I finally got a smile and a hug from you for the first time in days.  I laid there and cried for quite some time.

Ever since then, you have been so much better around me.  We needed to help you understand all those emotions in your little two and a half year old heart.  You were feeling all these things and didn't know what to do with them.  We had to help you get them out.

You still get frustrated with GiGi and BanBen.  And when Daddy and I are holding JP, you make sure you can get on the couch too.  Where you are always welcome to be!  I have two arms for two reasons - You and Little Brother.

I have been focusing on spending extra special time with you each day.  I leave JP out in the hall at daycare and walk you into your classroom all by yourself.  At bedtime, I put JP in his boppy on the other side of your room and I sit next to your bed.  We sing songs, read a princess story (you are VERY into princesses - especially "Cindawewa" and "Tangult"), and say our prayers.  You love for me to sing A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes and the I Love Lucy theme song, so I make sure I sing those every time you ask me to - even in the middle of Cracker Barrel.  I ask you every morning if you are Cinderella or Rapunzel today, and you tell me who, and all about their stories.

And I tell you that you are more beautiful than all the princesses and much smarter.

My heart breaks for you when I see that green eyed monster creep up behind you.  Like this morning at daycare.  Just like every morning, I left JP outside the classroom door and walked you into your classroom.  Someone noticed him out there and started ooohing and aaahing, and drew so much attention to him that everyone went to see.  You immediately wanted me to hold you, and you dug your little head into my shoulder, and I could tell you were feeling left out and abandoned.  I took the opportunity to whisper to you how much I love you and how special you are to me.  

Because you are.  No matter who JP becomes, you will always always always be MY Sweet Girl.  MY Special Girl.  MY Smart Girl.  MY Pretty Girl.  MY Best Girl.  MY Favorite Girl. 

I hope it makes you happy to hear those things.  I could never forget about your sweet spirit, your loving heart, and your fun personality.  I love you for who YOU are.  No need to be jealous.  Mommy has plenty of room for both of you.

We are a work in progress.  We will get there.

You are always going to have a little hint of jealousy for your brother.  You will always wonder if Mom and Dad love him more than you.  You will always compare your accomplishments and your pitfalls.  There will even be times that you wish he wasn't around.  You may even want him to go away forever.

If that's the case, you come right over and sit in my lap and nuzzle your head in my shoulder.  I'll know what it means and I'll gladly whisper those affirmations in your ear again.

MY Sweet Girl.  MY Special Girl.  MY Smart Girl.  MY Pretty Girl.  MY Best Girl.  MY Favorite Girl.

I believe those things whole heartedly, and I always will.  I love you with the biggest, most expansive love that my heart will hold.  It's amazing just how big my heart can be.

Big enough for BOTH of you, without sacrificing space for one over the other.

Some people compare their children with one being their heart and the other their soul.  Or some will say one is their reason for living and the other is their reason for breathing.

You?  You are my light.  That little bright spot in my day with a sparkle in your eye that can defeat any darkness.  You really do make me happy when skies are grey.

So hold your chin up, Baby Girl.  Mommy's got you.

JP - One Month Old

Yesterday, you turned one month old.

What a month it has been.

Your Daddy and I can't seem to figure out if you are an easier baby than Big Sister (who we thought was pretty dang awesome and easy), or if we were just a bit more prepared and much less anxious this time around.

We just know what to do, I think.

Eat, sleep, poop.  Eat, sleep, poop.  Oh he's awake!  Nope, back to sleep.  

That's pretty much been our routine for the last thirty days!  

We won't know any growth stats until you go back to the doctor in another few weeks, but I think you may have finally hit the seven pound mark and you are starting to fit in 0-3 month clothing, rather than just newborn.  Which is good, because you only had like 6 newborn outfits.  I think we'll be taking the newborn insert out of the carseat soon too.

You are so easy going.  Not much upsets you, except sitting in a wet diaper for too long (you've had a rough patch of diaper rash) or us taking too long with your bottle.  

You loooooove to be held.  In fact, you sleep best on my chest with me holding onto you and patting your little bottom.  You are sure to let us know when you are tired of being by yourself and want some snuggles.

I hope you are always this way.  I want you to always feel like Mama's lap is the best place to be.

You take to tummy time much better than Big Sister did.  We think she hated it because of her reflux.

Which brings me to the next best thing - YOU DON'T HAVE REFLUX!!!!!!!

For months and months with Big Sister, we were covered in spit up and used blankets instead of burp cloths.  She had to sleep at an incline to keep that awful mess down, and we went through several bottles of gas drops.

We had no idea babies ate without puking for two hours afterwards.  Its amazing!

You sleep pretty well, waking up only once or twice each night.  You hit a major growth spurt at three weeks that had you up more than that (and Charlotte hiding in a corner), but it only lasted a few days.  

I don't mind that you only want to sleep on me, except for the number it's doing to my back.  But I like the snuggles.  I know it won't last forever.

And the thing I love most about my babies?  In appearance, you are both the perfect mixture of Your Daddy and My Daddy, Your Bubba.  There are times that you are the spitting image of Ben Parrish, and then you look at me a certain way and I see Allen Thornton all over.  Big Sister was the same way.  It's in the sparkle in your eyes and the way your faces light up when you recognize something you enjoy, like Mommy's voice, or Daddy's silly face.  Or when you look up at me right as you finish your bottle with those sweet, bright eyes.  I can't get enough of it and I try as hard as I can to paint that picture in my mind so I can remember it when I'm old and grey and my babies are adults and I don't get to see it every day.  

It's like a little piece of Dad is still hanging around, and I truly believe it is a perfect fingerprint from God meant just for me because He knows how much I miss Dad's face.

Big Sister loves you.  I'll have to address the issues we've had in a separate blog, but they are all about me and nothing about you.  She is so sweet to you, bringing you blankets and burp cloths and pacis and all sorts of toys you don't want or need.  We have given her the job of taking bottles to the sink, and she looooves to help.  She loves to give you kisses on the forehead.  Sometimes we have to remind her to be gentle, but she's pretty good.

Don't get me wrong - there are some days that she could care less that you exist.  But I think that's just part of being two years old and being jealous.  She'll get over it as you get older.

Your Daddy is just smitten with you.  He calls you "Widdle Buddy," just like Big Sister is "Widdle Buggy."  It is obvious that his relationship with you is going to be much different.  You will be his buddy and pal, while Big Sister is his princess.

Me?  Well, don't tell Your Daddy, but I think I'm in love with you too.  It's amazing how you and Big Sister can share the same space in my heart, but each hold different pieces of it.  Big Sister is my girly girl - my best friend, my little tag-a-long, my independent woman. 

You are my little man - my little love that looks up at me with gorgeous eyes who I can tell just wants his mama.  I swoon for you every time.

I am loving every bit of being Your Mommy.  It's been tough, adjusting to having two children, but we are making it work.  I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Happy one month to you, JP.  Thank you for being such a wonderful baby.  I can't wait to watch you grow.

JPs Birth Story

As a disclaimer...I actually wrote this right after coming home from the hospital, but I have just now been able to add pictures to it.  A birth story is just not complete without pictures.  :)

Monday, September 8th, was a normal day. We were prepping for your arrival on Wednesday, via induction, so I was making my lists of things to be done on Monday and Tuesday.  I kept Big Sister home from school that day with the intention of giving her some special attention, since she would be going to spend the rest of the week at Gigi's house on Tuesday night when we were admitted to the hospital. 

What I didn't know is I was possibly already in labor.  

When Your Daddy woke up Monday afternoon, I was in a frenzy, cleaning, complaining, arguing, slamming cabinet doors....it was not my finest hour. And then I became quite emotional when I was around Big Sister, knowing that everything was about to change and our little family of three was never going to be the same ever again.

But then Your Daddy gave me one of his big, world changing hugs, and I got a hot shower, and I felt so much better.

We decided we were going to have Big Sister Day, and take her to all her favorite things before we turned her world upside down. We had dinner at Chick Fil A, went to Home Depot to ride lawnmowers, and to the mall to ride the "gowiwa" and have a cookie....or two. 

 When we were at the mall, I started to notice some low, sharp pains, but didn't think much about them. I had been in false labor for three weeks and I've had lots of strange pains and pokes and contractions that got my hopes up too many times. Plus I had been on my feet all day. I thought it was just time to go home and rest.

So we put Big Sister to bed around 8:00, and Your Daddy and I settled in on the couch for a tall glass of root beer, a box of oatmeal cookies, and one of our favorite shows on tv that makes us laugh uncontrollably. I had been texting Your Gigi about the strange pains I had been having, and how I wished I would just go into labor that night so I wouldn't have to guess anymore.  I even took a bump picture randomly because I thought my outfit was cute.  I had no idea it would be the last one!

Around 9:15, I was about to tell Your Daddy it was time for us to go to bed when I felt a big sharp pain and a POP! I jumped up off the couch and exclaimed, "I think my water just broke!"

I ran to the bathroom to confirm that yes, in fact, my water had broken. Your Daddy and I took a dumbfounded minute to realize that I was actually in labor, and he ran to get his phone. I called Your Gigi to let her know my water had broken and she hopped in her car to come pick up Big Sister. I called the doctor and he told us to head on to the hospital.

After a few frantic minutes of packing the car, waking up Big Sister, putting my hand to my forehead to try to think clearly, and laughing with Your Daddy at the irony of it all, we eventually gave Big Sister goodbye kisses and headed to the hospital.

We were admitted and taken to labor and delivery, where they confirmed my water had broken and hooked me up to all the machines. My contractions had not yet started, but it didn't take long. Your Daddy got comfortable in the impossibly uncomfortable chair. Dr. Cleveland checked my dilation, and I was around 3cms, so that meant we had a long way to go. He told me to get some rest. Ha. 

By then, we were past midnight, and I realized we were going to have a due date baby! That never happens!

Around 3:00, my contractions began to really get intense. I had progressed to 4, almost 5 cms, so I asked for my epidural. Being in the middle of the night, we had to wait for the anasthesiologist on call to get to the hospital. Let's just say I was angry labor woman when he got to my room 45 minutes later. But he administered my epidural and I immediately began to feel relief.

Your Bebe and PawPaw arrived about that time, but I had had zero rest at that point, and neither had they, so they went to the waiting room for a few hours. I was able to close my eyes for a few minutes to regain some strength and to bolster my adrenaline. Your Daddy will tell you he didn't get much rest either, but he's a big fat liar because I listened to him snore all night. 

Around 6:00, Dr. Gilchrist came in to check my dilation. My body had relaxed so much that my cervix wasn't making much progress and my contractions were very irregular, so they began a dose of pitocin. Contractions picked up quickly and I could tell it wouldn't be long. 

I woke up Your Daddy and told him if he wanted to get some breakfast, now would be a good time. I sent a text to Your Gigi to see how things were going with Big Sister, and in true Big Sister fashion, she was taking her dear sweet time getting ready for school, causing Your Gigi to be a nervous wreck.

I told her to get here quick because we were having a baby soon. 

Around 8:00, I started feeling a lot of pressure. The nurse came in and said I was almost fully dilated and to let her know when I started feeling the urge to push. By then, you were being a booger and kept slipping off the external fetal monitor, so they put one on the top of your head. The nurse called Dr. Gilchrist to let him know we were getting close. I sent another text to Gigi because she hadn't gotten there yet. 

She finally arrived and was able to spend a few minutes with us until I got that strong urge to push. We kicked Gigi out of the room, the nurse paged Dr. Gilchrist, and we began practice pushes. You would crown with each push and retreat, so the nurse knew with some strong pushes, you would be out in no time. 

Dr. Gilchrist arrived and we started pushing...hard. Your Daddy got brave and took a peek. One peek was enough. "Yep.  He has hair." and he was back up by me. One big push, and your head was out, and the next big push, you were there!

You weren't crying, and we saw the umbilical cord was wrapped all around your shoulder and your legs. It kinked the cord, so you were without oxygen. Dr. Gilchrist cut the cord and gave you to the nurse who put an oxygen mask on you. 

I don't think I was able to breathe either, and I almost broke Your Daddy's hand from gripping it so hard. They assured me you would be fine, but I prayed out loud, "Breathe, baby, breathe." 

And then you did. First little gurgles, and then a big giant breath, and that first glorious cry. I have heard many beautiful sounds in my life, but there is nothing that will ever compare to the first cries of my children.

Your Daddy joined you by the nurse while they ran your tests - you were born officially at 9:22am, after almost exactly 12 hours of active labor, weighing 6 pounds, 7 ounces, and measuring 20 inches long. You have a beautifully perfect head of dark hair, but your face looks just like Big Sister's. Button nose, big blue eyes, and thin little lips. You are long and skinny with little wrinkly hands and feet.

And when they laid you on my chest finally after what seemed like hours but was only mere minutes, I got to tell you how much I love you and you are the perfect piece of me I never knew I wanted. 

Your grandparents all came in and held you and snapped pictures. They moved us to our permanent room and your grandparents all went to get some lunch. 

And as my favorite part of the day.... 

Gigi went to pick up Big Sister from school. And my whole family was in one room for the very first time. 

She was a little unsure what to think when she came in. She was a bit overwhelmed by all the people and the cameras, so she didn't say much. She asked about the IV in my arm and looked at you skeptically, while we tried to explain that you were the baby in Mommy's tummy we had been talking about all this time. It's quite the concept for a two and a half year old. 

We gave her a bit of time and she opened up some Big Sister presents. Once Mrs. Patty came in the room, she decided she was ready to hold you. 

And my heart exploded.

You had lots of visitors come in and love on you and pray over you for the next few days.  I spent a lot of time praying over you too when we had a few moments to ourselves.  We also spent a lot of time napping.  :)

We were discharged on Thursday and you have been the sweetest little guy. 

We've taken to calling you "Bud," just like we call Big Sister "Bug." You are a laid back dude, and you really only get upset when we take too long with your bottle or when we change your diaper. You're eating and sleeping like a champ. You had a little jaundice, but not enough to warrant anything but a little sunbathing in front of the window. 

We are so in love with you. I was afraid I would feel a sense of mourning when this was all over, knowing that we will more than likely not have any more children. But I don't.  I feel complete. Our family is complete. You are every little piece that was missing. I praise God for the gift of two beautiful and healthy babies.  My heart has doubled in size and I could not be more thankful.

I love you, my sweet son. Welcome to our world, John Paul Parrish. 

Waiting for JP

Dear JP,

Today my heart is a bit heavy.

You are quite the booger.

For the past two/three weeks, you have been tricking me into thinking I am in labor.  I have been back and forth to the doctor so many times that the front desk staff knows me and my birth date by heart, and I have joked with the doctors that I am just going to set up a cot in the back until you decide to really show up.

We have been to the hospital twice - once for an infection, and another for false labor that they had to give me meds to stop because you were about a week undercooked, and they wanted you to stay longer.

I wake up with contractions, I go to sleep with contractions.  When I move, I have contractions.  When I lay still, I have contractions.  Sometimes a few times a day, sometimes less than 5 minutes apart for four or five hours.  The last time we were in the hospital, they got as close as 1 minute apart.

That really freaked out the nurses.

But through it all, my body is not responding to the contractions.  I've been walking around these past few weeks dilated in between 1 and 2 cms, with no real changes.

So today at my doctor's appointment, we set your eviction notice.  If you have not made your appearance by my appointment next Tuesday, we will more than likely induce on Wednesday.  My doctor seems to think that my body may never respond the way we want it to, and I may not go into labor very easily, despite the weeks of false labor.

My body is tired.  I am tired.  I am not sleeping, I am not resting comfortably, and I am not taking well to the "You haven't had this baby yet?" questions from everyone I see.

So why am I sad?  We have a tentative birthday!  A means to the end!  I should be excited!

I am.  I am very excited to meet you and finally hold your little body and see exactly who you are.

But I kind of wanted that rush in the middle of the night, my water broke, are we going to make it to the hospital, movie scene feeling.  I didn't get it with your sister, and it looks like I may not get it with you.  

And we are not having any more babies after you...

So I'm a bit in mourning.  It's not exactly what I pictured.

Every day I have woken up with such anticipation, and such frustration, wondering if today would be the day. Timing contractions for hours on end, and going to the doctor only to find out that these contractions weren't accomplishing much. 

At least they confirm I'm not crazy. 

Now just because we have set a date doesn't mean if you want to come earlier than Tuesday, you can't.  You are more than welcome to. In fact, I'd prefer it. Our bags have been packed and are waiting. Your room is all ready for you. Your grandparents are checking their phones for a phone call. And Your Daddy is working his long week, and would love not to go in this weekend.   :)

But if you want to hang on a bit longer, I guess I'm ok with that too. 

But if you're a bit scared, just remember this: 
Your Mommy is so beyond ready to meet you. To hold your tiny body close to her chest. To count your fingers and toes. To watch all your wriggly and writhy newborn movements. To look deep into your eyes and tell you just how much she loves you and how we think God has big plans for you. To see Your Daddy hold you for the first time and beam with pride over a son - a different emotion than when he held his daughter. To see Big Sister discover that there really was a baby in Mommy's tummy and the look of amazement as she studies you. To feel those empty parts of me fill up that I really didn't know I had. 

So come on, JP. We are ready to meet you!