Green Eyed Toddler

Oh, Brooke Allen.  How my heart aches for you.  

This transition has been so hard on you.

First things first, you love your little brother...most days.  The days that you care to acknowledge that he exists.  You give him kisses on the forehead, ask for him, and say prayers for him at bedtime.  When he's crying, you bring him blankets and burp cloths and toys (a carrot from your play kitchen) to make him happy.  Sometimes you run over and help hold his bottle while I'm feeding him, and you like to relay to me what he's doing in his car seat.  You are convinced that he cries because he's not able to eat Pop Tarts.

But then, you will ever so slightly get too close to him when he's laying on the floor doing tummy time.  Or your little foot will slide closer and closer to his head while you are sitting next to him on the couch.  Or you pat him just a little too hard.

I have to watch you like a hawk.  Your jealousy has flared up big time.

I can't blame you.  Your whole life, you have been the object of everyone's affection.  Everyone has fawned over you and played with you and held you and danced with you and catered to you...and only you.

But now, there is another little person taking up that extra space in Mommy's lap, who GiGi and Daddy want to hold, and who is the reason that we can't hop up and get you exactly what you want when you want it.

After a particularly trying weekend at the beach two weeks after JP was born, you refused to have anything to do with me.  No hugs, no kisses, no answering my questions.  You went bananas any time GiGi or Daddy so much as looked at JP.  Out of frustration and sadness (and hormones), I began to cry to GiGi.  GiGi took you in the other room to talk to you.  She got you to start to open up about the way you were feeling, and I came in there with you.  GiGi left us alone, and we talked and cuddled for a long time.

I asked you, "Why are you so mad at Mommy?"  You answered, "Because I want Da-Da and JP is in the way."

AHA!  And this was MY fault.  Of course it was!  I was the one who brought JP into your little world and turned everything upside down.  I was the one who made Daddy and GiGi hold this little alien instead of you.  I was the one who was focused on bottles and burping and sleeping, instead of focusing 100% on you like I always had.

So I held you close and whispered in your ear about how I will always love you big.  You will always be my Special Girl - something that JP would never be because he is a boy!  And just because I have to take care of JP so much doesn't mean that I love you any less. 

And I finally got a smile and a hug from you for the first time in days.  I laid there and cried for quite some time.

Ever since then, you have been so much better around me.  We needed to help you understand all those emotions in your little two and a half year old heart.  You were feeling all these things and didn't know what to do with them.  We had to help you get them out.

You still get frustrated with GiGi and BanBen.  And when Daddy and I are holding JP, you make sure you can get on the couch too.  Where you are always welcome to be!  I have two arms for two reasons - You and Little Brother.

I have been focusing on spending extra special time with you each day.  I leave JP out in the hall at daycare and walk you into your classroom all by yourself.  At bedtime, I put JP in his boppy on the other side of your room and I sit next to your bed.  We sing songs, read a princess story (you are VERY into princesses - especially "Cindawewa" and "Tangult"), and say our prayers.  You love for me to sing A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes and the I Love Lucy theme song, so I make sure I sing those every time you ask me to - even in the middle of Cracker Barrel.  I ask you every morning if you are Cinderella or Rapunzel today, and you tell me who, and all about their stories.

And I tell you that you are more beautiful than all the princesses and much smarter.

My heart breaks for you when I see that green eyed monster creep up behind you.  Like this morning at daycare.  Just like every morning, I left JP outside the classroom door and walked you into your classroom.  Someone noticed him out there and started ooohing and aaahing, and drew so much attention to him that everyone went to see.  You immediately wanted me to hold you, and you dug your little head into my shoulder, and I could tell you were feeling left out and abandoned.  I took the opportunity to whisper to you how much I love you and how special you are to me.  

Because you are.  No matter who JP becomes, you will always always always be MY Sweet Girl.  MY Special Girl.  MY Smart Girl.  MY Pretty Girl.  MY Best Girl.  MY Favorite Girl. 

I hope it makes you happy to hear those things.  I could never forget about your sweet spirit, your loving heart, and your fun personality.  I love you for who YOU are.  No need to be jealous.  Mommy has plenty of room for both of you.

We are a work in progress.  We will get there.

You are always going to have a little hint of jealousy for your brother.  You will always wonder if Mom and Dad love him more than you.  You will always compare your accomplishments and your pitfalls.  There will even be times that you wish he wasn't around.  You may even want him to go away forever.

If that's the case, you come right over and sit in my lap and nuzzle your head in my shoulder.  I'll know what it means and I'll gladly whisper those affirmations in your ear again.

MY Sweet Girl.  MY Special Girl.  MY Smart Girl.  MY Pretty Girl.  MY Best Girl.  MY Favorite Girl.

I believe those things whole heartedly, and I always will.  I love you with the biggest, most expansive love that my heart will hold.  It's amazing just how big my heart can be.

Big enough for BOTH of you, without sacrificing space for one over the other.

Some people compare their children with one being their heart and the other their soul.  Or some will say one is their reason for living and the other is their reason for breathing.

You?  You are my light.  That little bright spot in my day with a sparkle in your eye that can defeat any darkness.  You really do make me happy when skies are grey.

So hold your chin up, Baby Girl.  Mommy's got you.